Date: February 3rd, 2020
Time: Afternoon
I finally did it, Thaddeus. I avenged Minerva, as I swore to you that I would. I killed that Wendigo and took its head. And on the night of Imbolc, no less.
I’m ashamed to say that it took me longer than it should have, and longer than I would have liked. I spent quite some time after your death mourning you and allowing myself to wallow in that darkness, even though you told me to mourn and then move on. I just couldn’t bring myself out of it. I spent so many nights drinking or smoking until I couldn’t feel anything. There were even times that I blacked out and couldn’t remember a single thing the next day. I sort of lost my mind for a while. I’m honestly still not entirely sure it all came back. And I know you wouldn’t have approved of that behavior, or my lack of control. But I was always honest with you and that will never change, even though you’re gone.
I still feel your loss like it’s fresh. It’s been so many months now, but it still feels like yesterday. Your death carved out a hole in me and made me feel so human; something I haven’t felt in over three hundred years. I miss our afternoon meetings. I miss making plans with you. I miss your laugh. I miss the way you looked every time you spoke of Minerva, and the way I could feel your love for her. I miss hearing you call me dragonfly, or even child. I just miss you, Thaddeus. You were the closest thing I ever had to a true father and we had such little time together. But I will forever cherish the memories and will eternally be grateful for the gifts you bestowed upon me. All the time in the world would never be enough for me to express my gratitude to you for your generosity and heart. I only hope you knew truly how much I appreciated that, and you.
I made sure that all of your final wishes were followed to the letter. I threatened enough people with being a meal or ripping their hearts out to show that I meant business when it came to you and your final wishes. And your will left me stunned; as did the transfer of assets. I thought I knew what to expect. But you just had to pull one last good one on me, didn’t you? It was a nice surprise. Even if it did take me almost ten minutes before I believed the man. And I made sure that you got your place beside Minerva in the clearing at the Estate. I visit the two of you often, apparently even when I’m not in my right mind.
Speaking of which, work on the Estate is coming along swimmingly. I know that you would love it. I know that it’s not the same as when you first built the main house. There’s nothing like an original. But it is going to look absolutely fantastic when all the work is done. And I decided to make those updates we had talked about. I remember you telling me that you thought the updates were a pretty great idea; so I went with them. I also came up with a plan for security and to keep unwanted guests away. You and Minerva both would find it brilliant. Testing it, however, will be the tricky part. Not to mention the likely possibility of having to make innumerable adjustments for a variety of non-human entities. Aside from work on the main house, I’ve made the decision to do some work on the cottage and the other house as well. I plan to use the cottage as Minerva did, as a sort of base from which to work on the major witchy things instead of doing it all at the main house. It’s good to have a dedicated space, especially for the larger things. I’m not quite sure yet what I’ll do with the other house, however. Time will tell, I suppose. I also have plans for an extensive garden – herbs, flowers, and possibly even vegetables. I am determined to bring life back to the Estate again, even if that means little things and little steps at a time. That was our initial deal, after all.
You would also be happy to know that I have been working to keep that promise that I made to you. The day that I learned that you were dying, you told me: “Get out and spend some time around other people, dragonfly. You’ve spent far too much time alone and that can affect the mind. When I’m gone, I want you to go and be social. Work your way up in steps if you have to. Take it slow if you have to. But do it. For this old man. Maybe you will find more than an opportunity to socialize. Love, maybe? Friends, for sure. But please do this for me. It’s all I ask of you. Promise me.”
And I’ve been trying, Thaddeus. It took a little while, but I’m getting there. I’ve made some new friends and new acquaintances. I even put myself out there for this huge event, the City Auctions. I agonized over whether I was going to sign up to participate or not. But I did. I’m not entirely sure how well it’s going, honestly. It makes me nervous and I feel like perhaps being still fairly new didn’t make much of a difference. The main thing, though, is that I stepped out of my comfort zone and did something new. Which has helped me meet some new people. However, sometimes I don’t always feel like being very social. But I make myself go out and at least sit in a social setting for a while. Sit and be around others, instead of just locked away by myself.
Oh, but don’t let me forget to tell you about one of the new people I’ve met. His name is Draven. He’s a werewolf. Alpha of his pack. He’s quite handsome and incredibly sweet. So far he seems to be a pretty great guy. And it seems that we get along rather well; I enjoy his company. I actually like him a lot. He makes me feel more alive than I have in a long time. The only thing is… I just don’t know if I’m ready to take that next step yet. I don’t feel very ready for a relationship or for settling down in that sort of sense. Not that we are talking about that or anything. I’m merely afraid that he will get his hopes up and then I will hurt him without meaning to. Even if we never engage in a relationship, I would still like to have him as a friend. I feel that he would be a lifetime kind of friend. Right now, though, I’m not exactly sure where we stand in terms of what kind of relationship we do have. I’m not used to this kind of thing…
I wish that you were here. I know you would have some kind of very wise piece of advice to offer me. Or maybe you would just give me that look of yours, so knowing. I can see it in my mind right now. It makes me sad and yet it also makes me want to smile. Memories can be so bittersweet.
I feel lost without you, Thaddeus. You became such a large part of my life and so important to me, despite the short time we had together. I feel like I don’t know which way to go, or what to do. I lack drive. Even ambition. I feel like I lack a purpose now, even though my search continues. Perhaps it is still my grief. Who’s to say? I suppose time will tell…