Date: January 11th, 2020
Time: Early AM
I am unable to sleep tonight. So far I have managed to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes and two blunts. And I've finally decided that perhaps putting my thoughts to paper would help ease the overload and burden on my mind, where nothing else seems to help. So here I am. I suppose I'll begin with what's weighing most heavily upon me...
I have searched for years and years. Endlessly. Constantly. So much time has passed and it's beginning to feel like an eternity. It has taken me all over the world and I have even been to places where only magic and sacrifice could take me. My search even led me here to this City where I have been for some time now.
Something drew me here and I hoped that I would, finally, be rewarded for all my efforts and years spent. But I still yet remain empty handed. My frustration grows more with each passing day. Sadness plagues me. And a sudden sense of urgency has set in that I don't understand.
When I sleep, it is filled with strange dreams and visions and sometimes even nightmares... They leave me feeling hollow, sad, and sometimes fearful - and those feelings linger well after I've woken and started my day. It all only adds to my frustration and that urgency.
I don't know what more I can do. I just know that I cannot abandon my search. Not now. I have spent so much time, energy, and Magick. Not to mention all the sacrifices and blood spilled, among other things. So much has gone into this quest I am on. At times I have even been at risk of losing my mind; becoming a creature so feral and flawed and lost to absolute madness with no way back.
It's hard to conduct this search alone. So difficult and painstaking. But the truth of it remains that I fail to connect to any other being enough to entrust them with the task of assisting me. The level of trust required for this is a bar set spectacularly high, because this search and what I search for, is the one rare thing left in this world that I hold so near and dear to the withered thing I claim as a heart. It would do me no favors to enlist the help of someone unworthy of such trust and such a task.
But for all I know, I am chasing a ghost.
However, one thing is for certain: I am haunted...