Date: February 18th, 2020 Time: Late morning I was drawn here, to this place, in my search. A search I have conducted for many, many years – time that has seemed to have blurred together at this point. A search that became my sole focus and has given me purpose. And yet here I am, my search pushed to the wayside as I become distracted. Instead of looking for signs and possible leads, I am instead caught up with things that are in no way related. Hanging out in bars and clubs. Watching those that take little, if any, notice of me. Trying to make friends. Drinking too much. Smoking far more than usual. Taking interest in things and people that are not guaranteed to last. Allowing myself to get lost in pleasures of the flesh that I have, for the most part, refused to let myself partake in, in over a century. Feelings of guilt push to the forefront above all others. Although, sadness vies for that spot as well. How have I become distracted from something that has given me purpose for so long? I am at a loss. But perhaps these distractions are for a reason. Maybe it is a sign that there is more to this existence than just searching for something that always remains out of reach. After all, I have become more agitated as of late. Never turning up answers I seek and always turning to things that only exacerbate feelings I try to push down and keep locked away. My frustrations are growing. I seem to be no closer than I was when I first arrived here. And maybe, as much as I hate to think of it, I am wasting my time. Chasing ghosts while carrying hopes, dreams, and haunting memories is a fruitless endeavor. I'm becoming tired. But it's so difficult to give up when it feels like I am so close, at times. Especially when these dreams that visit me while I sleep linger in my mind, sparking that hope once again and goading me into continuing. Because there is a quality about them... Something that tells me not to give up. I pray daily to the Divines for a sign. Something that tells me clearly that this lengthy search is finally coming to an end and that I will find what I have sought all this time. So far these prayers go unanswered. But I keep faith; I have to. I fear that I am lost otherwise. But perhaps I am already lost. Maybe I have yet to realize. Or maybe I am in denial and don't want to face the music. Regardless, I'm beginning to feel as if I'm going mad. Everything crumbling around the edges. I am constantly haunted. I want desperately to find my peace. All I need is a sign...